I Guess I Am A Mommy’s Girl After All

June 24th, 2008

I know, I know. I keep promising to get back on the stick, get this ball rolling again. Big wheel keep on turning and all that jazz. I am going through a ridiculous funk right now and I’m actually really trying to find my way out of it. Unfortunately, it seems I’m floundering helplessly like I usually tend to do.

I miss my Mother. A lot. Like, I seriously want to hug her so bad right now that I am going into the ugly cry just thinking about it. I am nearly thirty, and nothing in the world could make me as happy as a hug from my Mom right now. I think being an adult means you can admit to things like that and feel no shame. I have fantastic parents. I miss them a lot.

This is the first time I’ve lived more than 7 miles from my parents. Ever. I’ve always had a relationship with my family that most people cannot understand. It’s not too close in a creepy sort of way, it’s more like happy la-la storybook lands kind of family love with just enough witty dysfunctional banter that I think most people long for. I am blessed to have it. I have alweays realized this, and have made almost all of my life plans based on the proximity to my parent’s home.

Until now. Now I live in California. My parents remain in Texas. I call them everday, and sometimes it is enough. More often it is not. And each day that passes where I don’t get to hear my Dad say, “Have I told you how wonderful you are today?” or re-tells me the same story about what he read in the paper eighteen times until my brain is ready to explode from boredom, or each time my Mom doesn’t bug me with 99 phone calls a day wondering if I can help her figure out online bill pay, or just wondering what I was doing, or to complain about her job, I miss them even more.

The perfect thing about my parents is their complete ability to embrace their imperfection without apology. They are who they are, take it or leave it. They’ve never once claimed or tried to be perfect, yet they are so perfectly loveable in ther imperfection. That’s why we’re so close. Everyone is honest, in words, in actions, in character as a whole. I miss sharing the bond I have with them in a physical way. It’s still very much there, but a phone call just isn’t a hug.

Moments like this I wish I wasn’t anonymous, so I could link my Mom to this entry, so she would know that I am crying right now, too. I am missing you as much as you miss me. But as hard as this is and will continue to be, I need to thank you for giving me the wings to follow, embrace, and live my own dreams.

You raised me in such a way that I am unafraid to live my life to its fullest potential, and you should be proud. You are everything that I want to be in a parent, and I can only hope I will fill the very large shoes you’ve left for me. I’d never have done this without you, and although you may regret giving me the mere notion to fly so far away, it has been the best gift you’ve ever given me; the one that truly let me know I am more loved than I could ever have imagined possible.

I know you always thought I loved Dad more, but the truth is, I loved you just as much, always. I just never knew how to show you. By going against the easy way, and taking this path, I am showing you by keeping my promise to never have the regrets that you did. I always listened. I always learned from you. I was just waiting for the right time to show you how much you’ve taught me, what I could do because of you.

I love you, Mom.

Entry Filed under: Life