Yesterday sucked. Wow, you can even see the stress in my feet. I was scared to see that reading this morning! I spent the first part of my day yesterday with DH and DS, which was nice. DH and I are trying, really trying, and that gives me enough hope to maintain a sense of normalcy and get through the days while we wait for our counseling referral. However, all those friends I thought I had, except for 3 of them… well, they don’t exist anymore.
As a result, I had to fight the urge to stuff my face uncontrollably. Anytime I felt like Hostess cupcakes were my friend, I grabbed a handful of almonds instead. A couple of times I grabbed a pinch of dried cranberries. I try to stay away from dried fruit because it’s so little food in exchange for a quite big caloric/sugary punch. But my brain really was trying to steer me in the direction of chocolate, and I’m not giving this up. I DON’T WANT TO BE FAT ANYMORE. Period.
I missed my exercise last night trying to set-up DH’s new computer and I feel like crap today. My body is punishing me with that .1 pound. I was really hoping to at least stay the same weight, but .1 pounds is better than 1 pound, so I’ll take it. Vista is a piece of work! Gads was that thing a pain to get running properly. Part of the issue is the mounds and mounds of HP bundleware. It took forever just to clean it up for fresh installations. Finding working drivers was a challenge, but in the end almost everything is running smoothly. Now that it’s up and going, I must admit I love the look of Vista. It still needs quite a bit of tweaking, but DH is happy and has what he needs (finally!). Sadly, we have to re-pay off that credit card again. *sigh* Vicious cycle!
I felt all day yesterday as though I had lost 2 people I loved like sisters, but I think in reality I made the decision last night to let them go. They were shoving me out the door with in full force, no doubt. But I made the choice to stop participating in their cruelty, and closed the door once again. They are allowed to think whatever they wish. The only thing that yesterday proved to me, is that no matter how many years you have known someone, they are atill capable of hating you behind your back and smiling to your face. They sit back and look for ammunition, wait for you to share too much, just to laugh while they smear your secrets in your face. To enjoy what they consider your downfall.
2008 is my year for once. I’ve never truly made nor kept a resolution. This year I have a freaking laundry list, and I am nailing it so far. Yes, I get to be this hopeful only 12 days in, because I know that everything that is happening is for the best, and in the end my life and the way I live it has to make me happy before anyone else. I would rather be alone than lonely in an entire group of people.
I really look forward to the day when women will stop tearing each other down and apart. Why do we do this?
January 12th, 2008
I used to have a vibrant social life. Really, as weird as that was to type, I can’t think of a word better than vibrant. It fits. I had a lot of friends. Not acquaintances, true friends. I went out a lot, I had fun, life seemed so full in a carefree way.
The day I got engaged, everything changed. Well, I should clarify that. The day I joined the LDS Church, the door began to close on life as I knew it. The door finally slammed so hard it nearly fell off the hinges when I got married.
Most of my friends were gay, lesbian, and some were transgender. Some were divorced Moms, or simply in unmarried live-in relationships. Mormons have done such a fine job of keeping everything so hush-hush and secret-like, that most people know nothing true about the Church. What they do know was spouted from the mouths of evangelicals with agendas, 99% of which is twisted “truths” and some just outright hateful lies. The moment I mentioned I was converting to a group of my closest, most treasured friends, you could have heard a pin drop in Malaysia.
That was the beginning of the end of my social life.
Slowly, but surely, everyone was too busy, didn’t answer the phone, didn’t return messages. I vowed to never be one of those women who gets married and forgets herself, abandons her friendships. I tried, I reached out, sometimes desperately, hoping to salvage what was left. Today I have no contact with anyone. This is not my choice.
I thought these people could understand. I thought they knew me. I thought they loved me. I haven’t changed a bit. I’m still the same “Jill”. I’ve always been, and will always be feminist, Libertarian, pro-choice. Just because the Church defies all logic in these areas doesn’t mean I do. The Church doesn’t run me. I am my own person, and if they don’t like it, tough. This is me. Uncompromising, unafraid, true to myself.
Yet everyone left, out of fear that I would preach to them, that I would suddenly judge them, that I would silently disapprove. It never even crossed my mind. I loved these people, as if they were my family.
So now, here I sit. 5 years later. I am happy to say I do have friendships in my life, but they’re all online. At one time, I would have thought this was pathetic, but now I am so grateful to this group of women who accept me as I am. Every day, at any time, I can log on and chat with them and it truly brightens my day. We all have each other’s phone numbers, and I’m not much of a phone person, but when they call, I answer. They are amazing, strong women. Why do they all have to live so damn far away?
I miss being able to call a friend and go to lunch, dinner, a movie, bowling, a concert, a bookstore, sightseeing, a random road trip. I miss it so much. Sometimes, you just need to talk in person. You need physical interaction with someone you love… a hug, a smack for being sassy, someone to laugh when you fall down, but still help you back up. Someone to fall over in laughter with. Inside jokes. The list of great things about friendship could run on for miles.
There is some personal turmoil in my life right now that I’m having hell working through alone. I can not go to DH with this. I need a third party with no emotional investment in me or my happiness. I need truth and tough love. This is not internet conversation. This is heart to heart, face to face, let me cry on your shoulder stuff.
I miss my friends, even if they don’t miss me.
January 4th, 2008
