In celebration of the fact that I can not afford plastic surgery anytime in the near future, I’ve decided to take a long look in the mirror and admire the good things about my body. Even as someone who is overweight, I am still able to find some good in my body. I’ve always liked being curvy, and I always maintain an hourglass shape, even though right now I’ve got more of a sandbag kinda thing going on, when smooth glass would be preferable. Still, for a body that has been through so many accidents, surgeries, and childbirth, I have to say it’s not looking so bad.
I’ve thought about having a tummy tuck since DS left my tummy looking like a deflated balloon. I’ve wanted surgery on my waddle (does anyone remember the origin of this? I loved this guy for that.) With the advent of SmartLipo, one day maybe I’ll have it done. In the meantime, at least I get to call it a waddle instead of The Double Chin of Doom™. I won’t feel guilty about wanting to remove my waddle and my little pooch of excess skin that exercise will never firm. I’ll also keep holding out hope that one day both may disappear as I keep exercising. Who wants surgery if it can be avoided?
In the meantime, these things are part of me, and I’m not ashamed to have them. They may annoy me, they may even inconvenience me sometimes, but they’re me. I don’t desire to have these things done to please men. I’ve never had trouble getting a man, and honestly it’s never been my focus. I’m not saying I’m anything special or I’m some kind of knockout, but attracting men seems to happen with relative ease if you’re confident, and for a long time in my life, I was very sure of myself. I was focused, driven, and totally my own independent spitfire of a woman, and people in general tend to be drawn to that kind of personality.
Post-partum depression sucked the soul out of me for awhile, and I’m relieved to see it coming back. I am heavy now, at 203ish pounds, but I am finally beginning to look at myself with my old eyes. I used to think it was problematic that I could look in the mirror and always see something better than was truly there. Now I want that woman back, who saw the best side of herself and embraced it. I am finding pieces of her, here and there, and seeing her again feels like releasing breath I’ve been holding for years.
Currently Reading: Live Through This, by Sabrina Chapadjiev
May 16th, 2008
I’m getting a lot accomplished, and today feels nice. Kind of an easygoing day for once, even though I’m bustling around non-stop. There should be good news regarding a promotion for DH today, so I’m staring at the phone, willing it to ring. Things are beginning to fall together for us in every way, and this would be the icing on the cake. If this promotion comes through, I won’t need to find a job when I get to CA, and I can focus my energy into opening my own studio.
I’ve decided that on Sundays, I won’t work out, I probably won’t post a scale picture, and I will allow myself one “free” meal to eat whatever, and don’t count calories. I need to give myself one day per week of rest in every area, because I don’t want to burn out. Ideally, I could have the entire weekend, but I’m going to start with Sunday for now.
My Sunday scale picture very nearly pissed me off, but it stopped shy of bumping me into the 206 category again, so I was OK with it. My “free” meal had been the day before, and I knew I was going to see an increase.
I was much happier this morning, however.
Currently Reading: I Knew a Woman: The Experience of the Female Body, by Cortney Davis
May 5th, 2008
1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
a bank teller my Mom worked with when she was pregnant with me
2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?
about an hour ago
3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
eh, sometimes
4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?
i am seriously addicted to that crappy Carl Buddig lunchmeat. especially the honey chicken and turkey. save me from myself!
5. HAVE YOU ANY CHILDREN?
a 4 year old boy. fantabulous kid, he is.
6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
yeah. i’m kick ass.
7. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT?
dunno. is oxygen required to live?
8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS?
yep.
9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? been there, done that. i’d consider doing it again. 10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL? honestly? lucky charms. i haven’t eaten it in forever though. these days it’s kashi autumn wheat with a banana.
11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? yes. 12. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? yes. now physically, i’m working on that one. 13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM? strawberry 14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE? how they treat others. if they look sad. if they should NOT have gotten that haircut or picked that particular shade of eyeshadow and then decided to wear it all the way up to their eyebrows.
15. RED OR PINK? pink 16. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF? the extra pounds, my bum eye (that’s a whole series of blog posts, trust me)
17. DOG OR CAT PERSON? neither. i’m a bird person.
18. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE YOU KNOW TO DO THIS MEME? if that rings your bell, go for it. 19. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? purple pants, no shoes
20. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE? chocolate slim fast shake 21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?
Smashing Pumpkins Tribute: The Killer in You
22. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?
purple
23. FAVORITE SMELLS?
DH’s skin. that coconut/suntan oil beach-y smell. pomegranate.
24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU SPOKE TO ON THE PHONE?
DH
25. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO MADE YOU DO THIS STUPID MEME?
she didn’t make me do it, but i do like her. 
26. WHICH SPORT DO YOU ENJOY WATCHING MOST?
baseball
27. HAIR COLOR?
reddish brown
28. EYE COLOR?
hazel
29. DO YOU WEAR CONTACT LENSES?
one contact in my right eye. cute glasses when i’m tired of dealing with the contact.
30. FAVORITE FOOD?
mexican and italian
31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS?
both, but i prefer to laugh
32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?
superbad. heh.
33. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING?
blue
34. SUMMER OR WINTER?
summer. my first summer in california is right around the corner. so close i can almost taste it…
35. HUGS OR KISSES?
both in mass quantities
36. FAVORITE DESSERT?
cheesecake
37. DAWN FRENCH OR CAROL BURNETT?
carol burnett
38. SPAGHETTI OR LASAGNA? TACOS OR BURRITOS? HAMBURGERS OR HOT DOGS?
lasagna. burritos. turkey burgers.
39. WHAT BOOK(S) ARE YOU READING NOW?
Heroine’s Journey
House of Leaves
Surviving an Affair
Mormonism For Dummies
Rumi: The Book of Love: Poems of Ecstasy and Longing
Awakening the Buddha Within : Tibetan Wisdom for the Western World
Find Your Groove: A Guide to Discovering Your Scrapbook Style
Game Over Press Start To Continue
40. WHAT’S ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?
ugly bubbles
41. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON TV LAST NIGHT?
super mario galaxy. do video games count?
42. FAVORITE SOUND?
music. the capture sound my camera makes. wind through trees. my boys laughing.
43. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES?
neither
44. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME?
california
45. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT?
i can play violin and trumpet. well, i could. it’s been a long, long time. i can tie knots in cherry stems with my tongue.
46. WHERE WERE YOU BORN?
louisiana
47. WHY DO YOU DO MEMES?
boredom. work avoidance.
48. BOXERS OR BRIEFS?
either, as long as neither comes to bed.
49. CANDLES OR INCENSE?
candles, and then rarely. i like natural smells more than overpowering artificiality.
50. MOUNTAIN CABIN OR BEACH HOUSE?
BEACH.
Yes, I know the HTML in this post is WONK, but I’m too lazy to fix it right now. This post will be eaten by the archives soon anyway.
March 3rd, 2008
